guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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