Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
