So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
