all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
