I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
