What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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