dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
