just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
