That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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