Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
