Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
