I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
