I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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