hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
