I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
