i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We had sex on a dog bed..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
