I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
