My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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