i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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