at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
