I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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