so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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