I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
