I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
