I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
