I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
