I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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