my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
