Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
