I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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