im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
