I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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