I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
