I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
