Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
