I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
