Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
