i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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