if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
