YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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