my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
