god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
