We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
