got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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