After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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