Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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