Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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