Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
