I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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