My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
