is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
