my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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