I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
