did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
