So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
