when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize