dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
