I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
